Bloody Memoirs Of An Addiction
by ChangeTheChase
Summary: Tom has an addiction to cutting. Featuring - Tom, Georg Mentions Of - Bill, Georg, Tom's Whores, Tom x Bill, Tom x Georg Warnings For - Self Harm, Rape, Self Hate, Some Violence. From Tom's POV. Rated M for a reason. Dark-ish. Offensive to some people
1. Chapter 1

xXx Bloody Memoirs of Addiction xXx

xXx The Quick Notes xXx

**For those of you who don't read summaries read this...**

**It is from Tom's POV. It _will_ be offensive to some people. Self harm could be considered the main theme.**

xXx The Story xXx

Self harm. It's an addiction. Even if people say it's just attention seeking, it is an addiction. The problem is that when you are found out you are monitored for a while and people check you regularly. After a while they stop and you think you are fine. Then something bad happens and you start again only you do it where others can't see. Then you are fucked.

Now I know what I am talking about so don't say I don't. What makes things worse is that I know my life isn't the worst but that makes me feel even guiltier for feeling down. It's a viscous cycle. I haven't had a bad life. I know this. Hell, its even been pretty damn good. I have a great band which is pretty damn successful considering. I have a great twin, awesome friends which are almost as good as my brother and an endless line of girls to fuck every night if I want to… which I do…

There are certain rules to be obeyed before you have sex with me and you know you will follow them because I am famous. Number one… no lights on, I don't give a shit what you think. Number two… leave when its over and don't leave a number because I will not call you. Number three… don't tell your friends about what ever you may have seen i.e. my scars and cuts, the only place it will get you is the gutter. Literally. And finally, number four… I don't care about you. At all. You are just there for me to screw, that is all.

Now Bill… he knows we can have lights on. He knows he can stay all night in my arms and he knows he is so much more than just a screw. I also know he won't. Not since that night, a week ago, when I raped him. He saw my new cuts when we were getting changed after a gig and started screaming at me. When I tried to kiss him to shut him up he pushed me away and said I needed help, that I wasn't all there. Well… that really pissed me off and in the end I forced sex on him using the long wire that connects his microphone to the speakers. His wrists were a mess after so long being left in the same position, so bad that he wore long sleeves and sweatbands on his wrists for three days afterwards. Since that night we have played two flawless gigs without saying a word to each other, it's really a good achievement. My thighs are riddled with long gashes now and caked in blood from the deeper cuts that keep opening.

My latest walking fuck just left after I very clearly let her know exactly what she was. A whore. I guess I am a whore as well but I don't charge - not that she got paid in the end - I don't need an exchange of money to switch hands to lose myself. Being famous gets me there. But how did I get here?

Ugh, too many thoughts. My head hurts. It's funny, you think of one thing like how your ex-best friend forced a kiss on you. That leads to remembering the one person you loved and how you lost them which takes you to the reason for your latest cuts and that leads you to remember why you started, that night when you found out about sex… well sex in the not straight sense. God, I hate my step dad. Of course I didn't tell mom and it only happened that once. Not even Bill knows about it. Pent up anger over everything builts up again and I reach into my pockets for my scissors. I hate razors and knifes but don't ask me why… just something about how they cut… so… harsh I guess. Now scissors… pointy edge down and a quick, hard swipe and for a moment you forget everything.

Hmmm… my legs look bad… I should do my stomach… ja, that would work. One… two… three… fo-

A knock at the door? Maybe its Bill coming back to me! I pull my shirt over my head but don't bother with boxers or pants because my shirt almost reaches my knees - not like Bill hasn't seen my cuts anyways. A harder beat on the door, more impatient this time. He must really want to see me. I rush up from my bed and tear the door open.

"Bill, I-", I stop as I see who it really is.

"Bill doesn't want to see you, you absolute asshole" Georg sneers at me before closing the door. And locks it.

"Oh… well… what do you want?", I try not to stutter. I like Georg, I really do, I said he was almost like my brother right? It's true… only being so close to him… he looks dangerous…

"I want revenge for what you did to Bill, why did you do it? You couldn't just leave him alone could you?" while he has been talking he has slowly been stepping forward, pushing me backwards. He really has got things backwards hasn't he? It was really all Bill's fault, if he had just let me kiss him and let me be with him like normal then I wouldn't have forced him. Of course I can't tell Georg that so I just keep my mouth closed.

The first punch hits my gut before I knew he wasn't even going to hit me. The solid blow in addition to the brand new cuts… well it's safe to say I haven't felt such pain since that night with Gordon.

The pain and force pushes me onto the bed and my legs are revealed to Georg who just looks down at me in disgust. "No wonder you cut yourself. How can you even live after what you have done?! He has cried to me every night because of you, you prick!"

Bill cried? Why? Oh god, I never meant it. Tears spring to my eyes as Georg climbs on top of me putting his hands around my neck and I know I deserve what he is going to do. God, I deserve so much more.

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Ja… my first ever Tokio Hotel fic… I know it was sooo fucked up but I needed to vent coz I have been on a downer for like two weeks now but since I don't really tell people about my problems this was born… god, I sound like such an emo or sumit… sorry.

Reviews are good so please leave 'em, especially coz this is my first TH…

Hoshika xXx


	2. Not Enough

xXx Bloody Memoirs of Addiction xXx

xXx Not Enough xXx

"Don't even think about coming anywhere Bill, got it?" Georg spat in my face after he had pulled his pants and t-shirt back on.

I just nodded and the door banged shut.

I wasn't even numb. If I didn't move I was nothing. My body wasn't my own, Georg had just proved it. If I didn't move there was no pain and I felt weightless. I deliberately moved to bring back the pain. That was my punishment for raping my little brother. Kinda funny when you think about it. Pain was what started this whole mess. My pain, my never ending addiction to feel something real. The pain makes me feel alive yet, at the same time, it makes everything fade for a few blissful seconds.

I don't know how long I sat on the stained sheets of the bed with my back against the wall and only a thin blanket to cover me. It was as if the blood, which had flowed from me after Georg had pulled out, had glued me to the mattress and all I could do was shiver every so often once I began to float into nothing.

A knock at the door.

I didn't have the strength to move or tell them to fuck off so I just sat there. The door opened and the light from the corridor attacked my eyes like daggers after having spent so long in the dark. This caused me to move my head and thus my whole body moved. I winced and pulled the blanket around me tighter only just realising how cold I had become.

The person stood at the door and stared at me. I couldn't see him but I knew it wasn't Bill. It would never be Bill.

"You have to be down stairs in fifteen minutes, Tom, Jost is holding a meeting."

I just nodded.

"Georg really did a number on you… I'm not saying what he did was right but you deserved it, Tom. Maybe now you won't touch Bill."

I nodded again and Gustav left without another word.

I never did find out how Gustav knew what Georg had done. I suppose he must have told him.

xXx

Moving to climb into the shower took me a while and getting dressed took me longer. Every move was hell. Then again, it kept me awake. I felt really dizzy and light headed but I suppose that was because I had been awake for over thirty-six hours with only Gustav's dirty spunk to nourish me.

When I finally made it downstairs to the conference room I was twenty minutes late.

"Nice of you to join us, Tom, have a seat." Jost pointed to side of the table with three vacant chairs. It was one of those tables that sat three people on both sides and someone at the end. Bill sat opposite me, shielded by Gustav and Georg on either side of him. Bill refused to look at me while the other two sneered. Bill's eyes looked puffy and my heart broke all over again. I shifted in my seat to remind myself that what Gustav did was what I deserved. What I was feeling was what Bill had felt. The tears stung my eyes as I stared at my hands.

Jost eyed us all in turn before speaking.

"I don't know what the hell has happened between you lot but I suggest you tell me before I find out for my self."

Not one of us answered him. What would we say? What would I say? 'I have been cutting myself for over a year and when my baby brother tried to help me I raped him and when Georg found out he raped me'?

No, that wouldn't do at all. I kept my mouth shut and picked at my nails. I had missed the blood under them.

"Well?" Jost sounded impatient and a tad angry.

I heard Bill take in a shuddering sigh before saying those two words that I had never wanted to hear.

"It's over."

He wasn't just talking about the band. He looked at me when he said it. Everything that had been between Bill and I was over. We couldn't even be brothers.

I looked up to see everyone looking at me. This was my fault. I fuck everything up. If I hadn't forced Bill to… well, none of that would have happened. It was his fault. I was happy being left to cut. Cutting takes the pain away, takes everything away.

I didn't even notice that I was scratching at my wrist with my coarse finger nails. I was so numb inside.

I felt a warm, wet substance on my fingers. When I pulled them away from my wrist to look at them I didn't understand why that were red.

Blood.

Blood is a mysterious thing. It supposedly helps to carry suger and oxygen and all that other junk around the body. Is that why vampires drink it?

It supposedly keeps you alive as well. I've been bleeding for the past two years and I ain't dead yet so I think science is a fail.

I like the way the blood forms after I cut. It doesn't all rush at once like you see in the movies. Well, the non-serious ones don't anyways. At first all you see in nothing, like when you get a paper cut and it stings like hell and you don't know why because you can't see anything. Then it starts to form in little beads and it's really hypnotic just to watch it gather. If it is a deeper cut the blood runs a little into the one below it and they merge together and run into the next cut and soon there is a little river. Then it scabs and heals and scars.

It's all just a scar. An imprint set in the material world for all to see. The world itself is a scar. Just one big horrible disaster and we won't be able to see it until it is too late. Then we will be gone.

I pulled my wrist above the table to see the extent of the damage. It was bad but I have done worse. It was running into the sleeve of my white hoody. Another stain. An imprint.

A scar.

I heard Bill burst into sobs and watched as Gustav and Georg put him in between their arms to comfort him. Jost stood up and set to reach for my wrist. In slow motion I tore it away from him and ran out the door and back up to my room. I locked the door behind me and slid down it as Jost called out for Saki.

It was over. I had been caught. Jost might commit me to a psychiatric ward.

As I sat on the floor and listened to the heavy thuds my head was jolted forward everything they beat the door. I finally felt the pain in my wrist. I pulled it up to eye level and stared at the raw flesh. I wondered how far away the bone was. Would I reach an artery or a vein first? I flexed my wrist and for the first time the pain didn't take everything away.

It wasn't enough.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yeah... so there you have it ^=^

I dunno if there will be another part... do you guys want another part?

Comments make me smile =]

*Edit - Thanks to Loran for pointing out I had gotten Geo and Gus mixed up*

Hoshi xXx


	3. Snake Venom

xXx Notes xXx

I had aimed to get this finished by this chapter but my fingers kept typing but refused to meet the end so here we are, once again.

This story is actually my baby, I luff it so much and I luff all my readers and reviewers *=* *gives cookies to you all*

Now... On with the show~~

xXx Snake Venom xXx

I started to panic when the pain failed to solve everything. I sat staring at my wrist while the thudding on the door sunk into background noise.

I could see the blood and feel the pain but it failed to make everything dissolve.

For the first time in god knows how long my eyes starred to blur. The physical pain from where Georg had hurt me and I had hurt myself combined with the knowledge of how I had hurt Bill, knowing that I only had myself to blame for his tears, for the fact that he had found comfort in someone else's arms.

I wasn't aware of my body sliding forward as the memories started to crush me, wrapping a steel band around waist and crushing my ribs into my lungs. I couldn't breathe through the tears and started to choke as my lungs grasped at what air they could. I felt a presence next to me but I couldn't focus on what or who it was.

A shaky hand touched mine. In that second my lungs unfroze and I gasped in air for my oxygen deprived veins.

The hand moved off of my own hand and my tears were gently wiped away. I opened eyes I hadn't even realised were closed.

Black nails with white tips.

I looked up to see my brother's eyes watching me. His eyes were blank and his face lacked his usual mask. There was no hiding now. All our sins were laid out for the other to see.

My faults far outweighed Bill's.

There were no words. Simple staring as I committed all his features to memory. It didn't matter that we were twins - in my eyes he had always been the beautiful one.

His eyes were scared, searching. At the time I didn't know what he was searching for but later I realised… he was looking for the 'Tomi' he knew. His brother.

I closed my eyes again, hating feeling too exposed.

Lips touched the corner of my eye in a ghost of a kiss making my eyes open again.

There were tears in his eyes now. They threatened to spill as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. In that moment the sensation I had been seeking from the pain came from the kiss. His tongue swiped mine and I could taste the salt of tears though I don't know if it was from Bill or myself. I was lost and too frightened to respond.

He pulled away from me, a sad, broken smile on his lips. I opened my mouth to say something though I honestly don't know what I would have said. He placed his index finger over my lips and shook his head causing his uncharacteristically limp hair to wave a little.

"It's over, Tomi. This is the end."

With one kiss he had healed me, lifted me up like a kite to the wind, like I was forgiven.

With one sentence that kite was a fragile bird that had been shot down by a gang of hunters only to fall to the ground and not die.

He stood up and left again. The door closed and I heard murmuring voices outside the door.

I just sat there.

The sun fell but I was unaware of anything except my own memories which had pulled me down into a pit that lacked a door or ladders. Ghosts bit at my skin and pulled at my hair. A mental war of what was and what could have been.

Gordon.

It all started that night.

That one night when someone else took control of my young body and stole any traces of innocence in me. Like a snake he pushed his way inside and his poison polluted my veins. Maybe that is the real reason I started cutting, an attempt to rid myself of the imprint that he left me with. The one scar no one else could see.

I was fourteen when that happened.

A thousand cuts for one long, endless night of pain.

Not long after that night I started to realise how much I loved my brother. The thought of something happening to Bill like what Gordon had done to me nearly broke me. I stuck next to him more than ever, never left him alone with Gordon. I guess he just thought it was an 'older brother thing' and went along with it. He didn't know about my inner turmoil or the reasons as to why I stopped changing in front of him.

I didn't cut that often to begin with. Maybe just once a week to start with. Then I fell in love with Bill. It was a different from just loving him. I wanted more from him than any brother should ever want and I felt dirty for craving him like I did. I controlled myself the way I controlled my memories with Gordon. The pointy edge of the scissors went deeper and the nights became closer together.

I managed to control my obsession with Bill for three years… until one night we kissed when we were seventeen. We had been out for the night drinking with the G's. The night's gig had been a great hit and Jost was turning a blind eye for one night. As long as no girls came on the bus and we didn't use drugs then we were fine.

Georg and Gustav were trying to play 21 Strip with half of the cards missing from the pack. Amazingly enough Georg was left with his boxers and a tie wrapped around his head while Gustav had only lost his jacket and a shoe.

I lay down of the floor, enjoying the vibrations from the road under the moving bus. My eyes closed and I was almost asleep.

Then a weight shifted onto my hips and I looked up see my beautiful, baby brother looking down at me.

"What are you doing, Tomi?" slurred Bill as he looked down at me.

"Feeling the earth move under my skin, Billa," I replied. My sentence made sense to me but Bill wrinkled his brow in confusion.

"You're weird," he stated.

"And you're cute."

In my drunken state I didn't realise what I had said but apparently neither did he.

"Tomi?"

"Yeah?"

"I've always wanted to kiss someone with a lip ring… it looks hot. Is it hot?" Bill bit his own lip as he stared at my piercing.

"Really? I've always wanted kiss someone with a tongue bar… wanna find out?"

Bill's eyes sparkled as he nodded and leaned down, lapping at the ring before kissing me solidly. It was a messy kiss, both our co-organizational skills were off and we were getting sleepy. He tasted like vodka and coke. His tongue bar tasted like my own lip ring, sort of metallic… like blood.

I passed out at some point but I honestly can't say when.

I woke up with Bill on top of me, his top was gone but I don't know when that happened. His head rested on my chest while he sucked his thumb, something he had always done after being drunk. I pushed the hair out of his eyes and smiled at him, convinced that the previous night had meant something.

His hand moved from his mouth and on to my chest as he began to stir. He looked up at me, his eyes still half closed from sleeping.

"Tomi?"

"Morning, Billa… some night last, huh?"

"Last night? What happened last ni-?" his eyes snapped open and he flinched away before crawling backwards to lean against the wall. I sat up to look at him.

"Billa?" I leaned towards, my hand outstretched.

"N-no! Don't… don't touch me. What happened last night… it was a mistake. A stupid, drunken mistake."

With that he stood up and ran up into his bunk. I could hear his sobs after a while.

All the happiness faded into my newly opened wounds.

xXx End Notes xXx

Oooooh, we dug a little deeper there, didn't we?

I swear my heart broke a few times while writing this... I could almost feel Tomi's pain...

What you guys think? Are you on Bill or Tom's side?

I luff comments ^_^

+ Edit +

Recently I was reported to the admin by someone for using real people in my stories and as a result I don't know how long I will be on here for if I am banned. rachelhez [AT] msn [DOT] com is my e-mail if anyone wants to contact me if this gets deleted or I am banned.

I wish no harm on ANY real people, be it the twins or otherwise. However, birds gotta swim and fish gotta fly and Hoshi has to get her emotions and creativity out some how!

+ End Edit +  
Hoshi xXx


	4. Blame Me If It Makes You Feel Better

xXx Bloody Memoirs Of An Addiction xXx

xXx Part Four xXx

xXx Blame Me If It Makes You Feel Better xXx

It took the G's three days of uncomfortable silences between Bill and me before they caved and shoved us into the media room of the bus, locking the door as they left. Bill had banged on the door for a good while before huffing and sitting down on the sofa.

"This is your fault", he accused me with a glare.

"How is it my fault? You're the one who got on top of me. You're the one who asked to kiss me and then freaked out about it", I glared back at him as I leaned again the wall opposite the sofa.

"I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing," was Bill's pathetic excuse.

"Why are we making such a big deal then?" I sighed. I was tired and hated the memory of finally kissing Bill to be ruined.

"I'm sorry, Tomi," Bill said as he walked forward and opened his arms for a hug. I stepped into, feeling some small relief of at least not fighting. "Still love me, Tomi?" Bill whispered into my ear.

"More than you will ever know…" I whispered back.

xXx Five Months After The First Kiss xXx

"Toooomi! Am horny!" Bill whined in my ear, his words slurred and distorted due to both our drunken states.

"Go wank then," I told him, my words sounding thick as they clumsily rolled of my tongue.

"Nooo, I need sex…"

"Tough luck, it's just you and me on the bus here."

"We could have sex!" he exclaimed as if it was the best idea in the whole world and his eyes went wide.

"We can't, Bill."

"We can, Tomi!" he said as he climbed on top of me and started grinding himself down on my clothed cock, "Come on, fuck me, please," he pouted.

I should have said no, should have pushed him off me and ended it right there. My lust for my twin had taken me over and in my disorientated state I could do nothing as he writhed above me.

That was the first night I have sex with my little bother.

It wasn't the last.

He saw my scars in those nights and tried to get me to stop but he didn't understand.

I should have stopped.

xXx Back To The Present - The Hotel Room xXx

I pick at the scab on my wrist again. I feel so dirty, the need to wash is driving me insane as the dirt crawls in my veins.

I grip the door handle for support and, with shaking knees, I bring myself to stand. My body shakes with hunger and exhaustion but I don't really notice. Everything hurts but nothing fades. It just makes me stumble over my own feet a couple of times as I struggle gain control of my limbs.

I make it to the bathroom and turn on the hot water tap. Hot water makes the blood flow faster, don't ask me why. I take my clothes off, pulling a little at where the material sticks to the scabs. I remove my phone from my pocket along with my scissors and sit them both on the unit next to the bath so that they are within reaching distance.

As I step into the bath I feel the scalding water scorch my heels and then my legs. I wince at the pain but I don't let it stop me. I submerge my whole body in up to my neck and just let the throbbing agony of the water take me over.

Still nothing fades.

I let my skin soften in the water before reaching for my scissors one last time and for the last time I finally let my tears spill over my cheeks.

I push the tip into my leg, going deeper than before. My head hurts and everything is crushing me as I struggle to breathe through the sobs that wrack my body. I know I won't die for a while, I know I'll have to do more.

I never wanted to die. I just wanted to be normal. Forget about Gordon and all the shit in life.

As my head continues to swim voices come out the darkness.

"Moan, you little whore." - Gordon

"Ugh, Tomi, right there, harder." - Bill

"You are a disgusting little prick." - Georg

"You deserved it." - Gustav

The water is turning red now, I don't know how many cuts I have made but I know I have hit a few minor arteries and veins - we learned where they are in biology a few years ago.

I pick my phone up from the counter and turn on the sound recorder then sit it back down.

xXx Some Time Later xXx

I can feel my heart slow now. There is a peacefulness that comes with dying. To finally be free of guilt and pain, to know that death is the end of it all.

There is also the terror of the unknown. The fear that maybe there is a God and he will send me to hell for all my sins.

I flex my wrists under the water every so often to keep the blood flow going. There is fogginess in my brain, a veil is covering everything and all I can see in the deep crimson the water has become.

I hear a crash at the door and the splinter of wood but I don't care.

"Tom!"

"I love you, Bill," I whisper before my eyes roll into my skull and I let out my last breath.

xXx The Message For Billa From Tomi xXx

_"My baby brother… you will never know how I loved you and you will never know just how much I wish I was never in love with you._

_I can feel myself draining so I'll cut to the chase…_

_I wanted to protect, to give you all the happiness I never experienced because of memories I couldn't suppress. I… Gordon raped me, Bill. When I was fourteen he…"_

Tom breaks out in sobs.

_"He stole… everything that I had in one night. I'll never forget the… the pain he put me through. I hate this, Bill. This isn't a letter of self pity or an excuse… I just wish you could understand. Maybe you do. You wanted to know about my cuts and look what happened? I forced myself on you and Georg payed me back for it. Everyone is against me and the pain of the cuts won't make everything fade. I sound pathetic… maybe I am, maybe that's why he did it… because I am weak. I certainly feel weak._

_I don't know how long it will take for you to find me. I wonder if you will cry at my death or think I got what I deserved. Knowing what you do now… would you have tried harder? Would you have recognised the signs and thought harder as the reasons why there were always bloody tissues even though you never saw me have a nose bleed? Would you have seen my puffy eyes in the dark and heard my sobs that I said were a cold?_

_Look at my scars for a minute, Bill, just look. There is one on my right hip like where your star is... can you see it? It says 'Bill'. There is a small one below my bellybutton, it says 'Filthy'._

_I have lots of scars Bill. You are the thing that broke me though. When you said 'It's over' I knew what that meant. Everything we had… was gone._

_Remember who kissed who though… and remember who climbed on top of whom._

_All I ever wanted was for you to be happy… I only wanted you to love me back._

_I'll say it one last time._

_I love you, my beautiful baby brother."_

Bill dropped the mobile to the floor.

xXx End Notes xXx

_"Just take one last look before my body decays_

_This is my last night on earth_

_My fucking hell"_

William Control - Beautiful Loser

Soo... this is the end.

A lot of people will probably ask why I wrote this, what possible reason could I have for writing such a depressing story?

The answer is simple.

I wanted to get across the fact the real people have real reasons for self harming and it isn't just 'emos' (please excuse the stereotype, not emos self harm, I know).

If more people could see the signs then maybe they wouldn't be so shocked when something worse than a small cut appears.

I am not suicide help line (as much as I sound like one) I am just a sixteen year old girl who has been dealing with cutters since she was eleven.

It's not cool to do it, it's no cleaver. People who attention seek are stupid. The problem is telling the difference between an attention seeker and someone who is making an unconscious plea for help.

If you think or know someone is harming themselves in any way, shape or form then talk to them about it and don't take stupid excuses.

Ok, that is Hoshi's rant for the day, now please review, hate mail me if you want because I killed Tomi, you knew this wasn't going to have a happy ending.

Hoshi xXx


End file.
